Adult Caregivers and their Spouses

For better or worse the vows said are taken seriously even when catastrophic illness hits the family. When the dementia symptoms begin to take place the first response from the person themselves and their spouse is to deny or minimize the situation. Second, they hope they can somehow or another find a doctor who will prescribe some medication to slow down the process or make it go away.

One woman recalled how her husband was so irritable when he found himself coping with memory loss. He had been running an organization for years and prided himself on his quick mind and energy. Today she realizes that those daily losses were heartbreaking for him, as they were for her. He would explode when he forgot, and then forget he had exploded while she was left with feelings of anxiety. When would it happen next?

Another woman's husband kept falling as he deteriorated and she had to call paramedics to pick him up. Eventually the family decided on a care home and she would visit him daily.

Today families dealing with dementia relate they are going through similar feelings. They don't want things to change, they don't know how to cope with the changes and they don't want to get angry with their loved one when things go missing or left in a different place. The memory loss is not their fault. The frustrated feelings are normal, both for loved one and the now caretaker. From what they are saying, there is not enough help out there for this huge life situation. Though everyone has their medical insurance, they are not prepared for this 24/7 caretaking responsibility or the emotional impact dementia visits on families.

The person with dementia may have to suffear for years before the last phases when don't know who people are, or who they are. The in and out of awareness can cause the afflicted spouse to lash out at their loved one, in their overwhelmed feelings of not being able to manage this confusing change.

Same with the caregiver who wonders how they can manage, when that very person they would lean on is now the person who has them juggling work and caregiving. The emotional and financial cost of having others care for their loved one is stressful. The drain on the emotional health cannot be undernoticed. It is huge. Until you have walked in their shoes, we can't know what they are dealing with. Loss of a future with their partner, loss of flexibility in their own autonomy, loss of support that had been expected but doesn't come, and anger at themselves when they can't seem to cope some days. If you have a friend who is dealing with this journey, you can reach out and support them. So many are suffering silently with this, for better or worse.

The resiliency of the human psyche is amazing. Hearing how spouses and partners are coping is a humbling experience. The one factor that is amazing is the ability to ask for help. This dyad needs many helping hands and gives others the opportunity to be of service. Whatever we can do in this journey to help one another is greatly needed and most apprectiated.