Adult Children Living at Home

The phenonomen of adult children living at home with their parents is not new, but in recent years the numbers have increased to 20% of adult men are living with their parents, as seen on tv this morning. The silent resentments parents have revolve around their drain in finances.

Some families are comfortable with the situation; the ones who are in conflict have been the ones I have seen over the years.

One parent is fine with the arrangement, and the other parent is not happy, but doesn't want to rock the boat. He may start to feel stressed about the extra finances, or may be resentful that a strong, educated, able bodied human is not paying his share and partying a lot. He had thoughts of their home all to themselves and now there is another adult, coming and going, adding extra work, and frustrations over their lack of contribution to the welfare of the home and family.

If parents can't get on the same page they have to work extra hard to find some willingness to either accept an untenable situation, convince the other spouse of the pain it is causing or bring the adult child into the problem and ask them for help in solving it.

One mother told her two daughters, "Your dad is stressing about finances and he would like you to help out. She named an amount, and one of the daughters immediately moved out and in with a friend. The other daughter who worked began paying her parents her rent money, and her dad was able to breathe easier and the couple began to have less tension in their relatioship.

Another success story is a single parent dad, who, though he loved having his son in the home carried that extra burden and was having to cut corners himself as his son looked about for a better jog.

Victor, 56, tells me how he sat his son down and said, "Here are the bills, though I know you can't handle half, this is a list of our monthly expenses for living here, and I would like you to commit to so much a month, due on the first so I won't get worried or resentful over our living situation. He clearly laid out the problem, and honestly told his son what he would like to have in the form of financial help. His 24 year old son Jake had been wondering why his dad had been kind of distant and after his initial hurt feelings, realized his dad actually did need him to pitch in. Once Jake made a decision to be a part of the solution, he also found a better job, a girlfriend and moved out within 6 months. Victor had been so anxious about bringing up the subject, but when he did, he and his son had a more open and honest relationship, and they remained close after that.

This economy is challenging and it was also challenging in the 60's when some of us moved out and had roommates or married young and had two jobs to support the living arrangements. Enabling adult children that don't contribute isn't giving them the opportunity to struggle, find their own way and build a sense of self love and self appreciation, doing things on their own. What do you think?