Listening Isn't as Easy as it Looks

Listening is not waiting for your turn to talk. I heard two people try to tell me something the other day, and though I thought I was listening to what they were saying, I had to clarify. I said, "Do you mean X?" They responded with a no, they meant Y. Again, I tried to summarize what I heard, and again, they said no, and in a different way, they explained their Y. Whew, listening for what people are saying and getting the true message is more complicated than it looks. As a therapist, I often wonder if, in hearing the words alone, I miss some of the vulnerability behind people's messages. Am I reaching the true meaning of their shares?

Early on in my practice, I would comment to a client, "That sounds like it makes you angry. " Ninety-nine percent of the time, they would disagree and say they weren't angry. I finally stopped asking that question. Anger may be that one emotion that is a catch-all for a multitude of emotions, like disappointment, shame, abandonment, justification, self-loathing, projection, and frustration. Anger is too simple a concept, said one of my friends. I have given up ever trying to summarize that someone may be angry and will keep listening for the complex sets of emotions that bring about the strong, irritable delivery of their words.

Curious, what happens when you listen? If you repeat back what you heard, do you get a no, that's not it?